your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
