I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
