boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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