I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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