Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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