He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
