lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Are we still banned from the library?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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