please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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