dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
