i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
