Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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