In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
