you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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