I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
