every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize