we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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