I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My cat gives me a boner
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
