Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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