I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
