About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
