I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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