I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're too hungover to prance.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
