worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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