I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
