She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
