We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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