I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
