I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
