You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
