well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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