I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Send help, water and tortillas.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
