I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
