Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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