apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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