Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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