im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
