She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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