New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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