Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
