oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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