i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
