god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize