I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
