mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize