If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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