I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
