my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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