i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
