I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
