so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
