I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
