My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
